Stop Looking for External Validation With Two Simple Mindset Shifts
Other people can have their own opinions; they don't have to become yours
Alison
Alison came to see me for confidence coaching after her father had died suddenly.
Although she was married and in her late 20s, Alison never made a decision without checking it with her father first. She told me that her father’s opinion was critical to her.
After his death, she felt lost and unable to think for herself.
Alison admitted that her reliance on her father had become a problem.
While it is normal to want to ensure that you make the right choices in life, it becomes a problem when you rely on someone else to rubber-stamp them, as Alison did.
When you, as an adult, pass the decision-making to someone else, you are letting your responsibility fall off your shoulders. You are handing control of that part of your life to the other person.
Jean
Jean needed help to build her self-confidence.
She had moved in with her partner two years before, and their relationship was on the rocks. Jean was distraught because everything she feared would happen was now happening.
Jean told me that she had always known she wasn’t good enough for Eric and that their relationship would end from the start. Of course, this is not a great way to start any relationship.
Jean needed constant reassurance that Eric still loved her. If he wanted a night out with friends, Jean needed to know precisely where he was going, who with and what time he would be home. As soon as Jean thought he should be home, she would start texting him. Eric felt suffocated, and his friends were making fun of him.
Unfortunately, the relationship ended. It had been doomed from the start.
I used to be like Alison and Jean
I understand this need for constant proof that you are loved. Seeking someone else’s approval and basing your self-worth on what other people think.
I understand because that was me, too.
Ray was in the Royal Navy and based in Portsmouth, UK. I lived about 100 miles away. Neither of us had a car; we were only about 18 then. This was long before the days of mobile phones and internet. Communication was by landline or letter.
Ray was also training then, so he couldn’t come home every week. He naturally wanted to spend time with his friends when he was home.
Like Jean, I thought that if he loved me, he would want to spend as much time with me as he could. I mean, that’s how I felt. I put so much pressure on the poor boy he couldn’t take anymore. He finished with me.
That fed into my low self-esteem and made me feel even more unloved and worthless.
I used to worry that I would make the wrong decisions. Not wanting to look stupid, I would do things like:
Phone friends before going out, just to check what they were wearing.
Never say where I wanted to go, agreeing with everyone else instead.
Wait to order food so that I could see what other people ordered first.
Agree with people wholeheartedly, even when I definitely didn’t agree.
Why are we still seeking validation?
There is historical significance in why we still desire acceptance today. In ancient times, people had to fit into a tribe because if they were alone, they risked certain death.
There was safety in numbers, and the tribe’s approval was a matter of survival. In modern times, it is no longer a matter of life or death, but our instinct still regards the people close to us: our partners, family, friends, and colleagues as our tribe.
Getting feedback is fine as long as you don’t entirely rely on other people’s approval for any decision you make or action you take.
Seeking validation gets worse when we have low self-esteem. Even if someone tells us that we look good, did well, or made the right decision, we may not accept it and still need to check again.
If we do not love ourselves as we are, it makes sense that we would not expect other people to love us, either. So, we constantly seek validation because we cannot believe what they say is true.
When we lack self-confidence, we rely on others to tell us we are doing okay. We need to establish that our tribe is not going to oust us (yet). It’s that ‘yet’ that becomes the problem. We might be safe now, but what about tomorrow? There is this constant worry that we will do something wrong.
We see this in imposter syndrome. There is a belief that we only get jobs because of luck, and we really don’t know what we are doing. Soon, they, our new ‘tribe,’ will see the truth.
How do we curb the need for external validation?
#1 Love the person you are and move forward from there
The first step is to be honest with yourself. Never mind what other people think of you; what do you think? Self-love is the foundation of confidence.
I encourage my clients to make a ‘greatness list’. This is a list of everything that makes you great.
All of your achievements, no matter how small they might be.
The things about you that are great. Ask trusted friends and family what they think too.
A list of people (and pets) who love you.
All the quirky things about you. What makes you unique?
When finished, the list will be long, and you can add to it as new things come up. Then, whenever you doubt yourself, you have solid evidence that you are a wonderful human being.
Start from where you are now. Accept the version of you that woke up with you this morning. Commit to loving the person looking back at you from the mirror.
Rather than focusing on your flaws and faults, love the person you are and decide how you will build on this beautiful foundation.
Make the foundation strong and build from there.
#2 Realise you only need validation from yourself
Over the years, I have worked on building my self-esteem and self-belief. These days, I no longer care whether people like me or not. That’s a long way from the people-pleaser I used to be.
I have used journaling and meditation for self-reflection. These tools have helped me understand who I am.
You can start by asking yourself these three powerful self-reflection questions:
Do I feel loved?
Do I love myself?
Do I feel like I am where I belong?
Whatever your response, ask yourself why you think this. You can then look at what you need to change in your life.
Ask yourself:
What needs to change so that I feel able to validate myself?
Learn to see that other people’s opinions are their perspectives, not yours. Seek other people’s opinions if it helps, but don’t believe that whatever they ‘decide’ is the path you must follow. Trust in your intuition and experience to know what is right for you.
It helps to add ‘in their opinion’ whenever someone gives their view. I do this whether I have asked for their opinion or not.
No one can control you with their opinion when you are an unstoppable force.
These are such powerful tips. I used to look for validation from others all the time. Then I got really clear about who I wanted to be and made that a priority every day. I learned to love myself exactly as I am and then I stopped needing validation from others. I recently had a comment about my work from a family member that I care about deeply. In the past, her comment would have been hurtful but as I walked away I smiled and in my mind, I simply said You do you and I'll do me.