Something Still Felt Missing, But I Couldn’t Explain What It Was
A conversation with my doctor changed everything
This is the final post for our July theme of alignment. If you missed the first four, you can read or listen to them here:
Week 1 - It Is Hard Being Someone You Are Not
Week 2- The Quiet Whisper That Tells You What You Need, Want and Value
Week 3 - Living in Alignment, One Choice at a Time
Week 4 - The Day You Stop Thinking About Alignment, and It Becomes a Way of Life
What was wrong with me?
On the outside, my life had improved so much.
But on the inside, it didn’t feel right at all.
After my first marriage ended, I made a commitment to change. I had to break the pattern of toxic relationships and self-sabotage that had made my life miserable.
I started rebuilding my shattered self-esteem by reading one self-help book after another. This was 1996; there was no YouTube or podcasts, and although there was an internet, I had no idea what it was.
Two years later, I married again, this time to someone special. We are still together 28 years later.
We purchased the beautiful home we still live in today.
My career was going well.
Everything was so different from the life I had left behind.
This was the life I had been hoping for.
So, why didn’t it feel right?
I kept thinking, “Why am I not happy?”
I asked my doctor the same question.
“I have changed my life around, and I am still not happy. What is wrong with me?”
It wasn’t the first time he had been asked a question like this. He told me it’s actually very common. We go through a trauma, followed by a process of healing. On the surface, life feels much better. Inside, our nervous system stays on high alert.
Just improving our circumstances doesn’t instantly reset our internal systems.
Imagine someone who spent years walking on eggshells in a controlling relationship. Leaving that relationship doesn’t automatically mean they feel safe. They may still apologise unnecessarily, anticipate conflict, or struggle to relax because those patterns were adaptive for a long time. This was me.
Similarly, someone who escapes burnout might still feel guilty about resting, and someone who retires may discover that their sense of identity was tied to their career.
An external change doesn’t automatically create internal change. It can take some time for it to settle enough for your nervous system to calm down.
Becoming aware of myself
Looking back, my conversation with the doctor was a turning point for me. I realised that there was nothing wrong with me. This was another part of my healing journey.
My next step was not to sit back and believe my life was fixed. It was to understand who I was, now that I didn’t have to check for safety before speaking or doing something for myself.
I had been trying to become a new me to fit my new life.
Now, I realised I was asking the wrong question.
This was the real question:
“Who am I beneath everything I’ve learned to be?”
Coming home to myself
After I had lived with the belief that I wasn’t good enough for so many years, there was never going to be an overnight transformation.
It didn’t suddenly all make sense.
Quite the opposite.
It was the small, quiet choices I made in the ordinary moments that slowly changed me.
I noticed how I spoke to myself; I caught the negative thoughts and replaced them with something kinder.
I forgave my younger self for past mistakes so I could let go of the guilt and move on.
I set up healthy habits, such as journaling, meditation, spending time in nature, and looking after my wellbeing.
I learned to say no without feeling guilty.
Most of all, I realised that there was nothing I had to prove to anyone.
I came home to myself, and my confidence grew as a result.
I never became someone new. There was no new identity. What happened was that I slowly returned to the person I had always been.
The person who had been waiting to appear for so long. From that point, my confidence grew naturally.
This was my journey; yours may differ. Our lives are shaped by our experiences.
Whilst our stories may differ, we often end up asking the same question:
”Who am I beneath everything I’ve learned to be?”
I believe this is one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves.
Living in alignment isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to who you’ve always been.
The path was always there. Self-trust simply gives you the courage to walk it.
Questions to reflect on
What does “coming home to yourself” mean to you?
What is one small step you could take this week that feels more like you?
What if you stopped trying to become someone new and embraced who you are?
This year I have been using different themes to write about the things that prevent us from feeling safe enough to be ourselves.
When you read through the posts, you can see that every conversation seems to circle back to childhood experiences, limiting beliefs, guilt, shame and acceptance.
Alignment is what emerges once those layers begin to be stripped back.
In August, our theme will be ‘Flourishing.’
Much love
Sue xx
We are all in the process of Becoming (our) Own Story.
We are so on the same page Sue.
I recently wrote an article about coming home to yourself. A topic that has been coming to mind several times this year.